Just another miserable day.

I just took 10 things for concentration. Guess what....? I can't focus. Well I guess I can focus enough to write this... or play video games. (even though I'm enjoying that less and less by the day.) I Don't know what to do with myself. I want to be productive, but every time I start to do something productive, my mind leaves me and I wander off. It's a miserable feeling. I just want to get done with school and do something that doesn't make me miserable that will support a lifestyle that I want to live. Guess you can't have you cake and eat it too right?

My dreams are getting worse. More realistic. Where they once were just jumbled thoughts and images, now they are scenes of logical pain. I can't ever talk about it with my parents though, and talking about it with the ex doesn't seem to have as great of an effect as I wanted. I want it out of my head, no... that's not true. I just want to be able to function like normal again, but as my dad once asked, "Do you think things will ever go back to normal for us?"

Probably not.

I'm fighting without a shield now.



When I finally do get in the groove of things I hit a hiccup of a day that makes me feel like, "What's the point of being so productive? I work so hard and feel so crappy while being productive and even though the end product makes me happy, I just go back to being miserable again. What's the point of trying?" and then I shut my mind down and do absolutely nothing for a couple of hours until the bugger settles down.

Fuck.


Things will never go back to being the same. That statement hurts the most. The only consolation, The only one, is knowing I might see my brother again one day when I die.


Great, now I'm on the verge of tears in a computer lab.

And this is why I can't share my dreams, why I keep all the pain inside. At least when I do that, I'm the only one it affects.